It’s difficult to be around someone afflicted with angling.
Side effects can range from subtle to severe, and it’s important to recognize the signs before it’s too late.
For instance, is your loved one saying, “I bet there’s some bass in there,” when seeing literally any body of water?
Is their browsing history filled with Bassmaster highlights?
Are they oiling their reel for the third time this month?
These symptoms can be obvious to spot but, as someone who’s battled angling addiction my whole life, I’ve come to recognize another symptom that pops up: delusion.
Now that spring is upon us, I thought it’d be a good opportunity to give folks a refresher on how to spot a textbook delusional angler.
It’s the hidden killer of any angler’s hopes and dreams, and one that presents itself through very specific speech patterns.
With this handy guide, you can not only spot the symptoms of this incredibly serious condition, but also learn how to treat them before your fishing buddy is far too gone.
Phase 1: “Do you think we need an extra cooler?”
A classic indicator of early onset delusion.
Not only does that angler feel like they’re going to be successful, but they’re going to be so successful that they’ll run out of space for their catches.
The issue? They aren’t. And they won’t.
Solution: In a calm and soothing tone, suggest that your angler only brings one cooler, if any, so they don’t collapse under the weight of their unrealistic expectations.
Phase 2: “Maybe it’s the _______”
In most cases, it’s been no more than 10 minutes without a bite before a delusional angler starts the blame game.
First, they’ll try switching lures, re-tying knots and questioning the existence of the fish.
Typically, they’ll blame the moon phase and/or barometric pressure before ever blaming themselves.
Solution: This is a sign of a progressing condition and, in this fragile state, the best you can do is placate the angler.
Phrases like “chartreuse is always a good idea,” or “you should send Berkeley an email when we get home,” can help put them at ease.
Phase 3: “It’s just nice being out here.”
The delusion has spread, and now your angler is lying to themselves.
On the outside, they’re introspective naturalists who meditate on the intricacies of life while becoming one with their environment.
On the inside, they’ve already exhausted every four-letter word in their vocabulary and are considering setting something on fire. Solution: At this point, their condition is critical and it’s your job to ensure that your angler is distracted.
Now’s the time to bring up how great the fishing was last week, supply them with salty snacks and pretend like you believe they’ll get a bite any second.
No matter what, DO NOT catch a fish before they do.
Phase 4: “I’m never fishing again.”
Reality has descended upon your delusional angler, and they’re forced to invent another delusion— that they’re giving up fishing forever.
While this stage can be scary to encounter, try to remain calm until the symptoms pass.
Solution: None needed. They’re not quitting. Phase 5: “Hey, it beats a day at the office.”
It’s bad.
Very bad. This phrase is ground zero for a severe case of angling delusion.
They’ve spent all day throwing fake plastic animals into the water for absolutely no reason, and are frantically searching for ways to justify the missed work, missed time and missed opportunities.
Solution: Make sure to keep your angler hydrated with electrolytes replenished, because they’re likely already cried or will be crying in the near future.
Give them a safe space to stare longingly into the water and rethink everything they thought they knew about fishing.
Phase 6: “There’s always next time.”
My heartfelt condolences.
If your angler has progressed through the first five stages of delusion and is saying things like “we just need that water temp to come up” or “how much PTO do you have left,” then they’re beyond help.
The condition has seeped into every fiber of their being, and they’re convinced that things could get better at any given moment.
Solution: Acceptance. Angling is a lifelong condition, but it can be managed with the proper support.
Give your angler small, day-to-day tasks to help them rebuild their confidence.
It also helps to mimic their symptoms, offering reassurance that the next trip is going to be the one they’ve been waiting for.
It probably won’t be, of course, but you never know…
Steve Schwartz is a writer and photographer based in Aubrey. His work has been featured by MeatEater, Field & Stream, Popular Science, Game & Fish, The Fly Fish Journal, American Angler and many more. You can reach him at steve@schwartzcreative. co.
